My ex, danelé, died this morning.

Posted by ON in Dear Diary

danele_june_8th_2007

danelé was a fighter.

Often for other people, sometimes against them, sometimes against herself. The adrenal cancer was supposed to have killed her years ago, but she stuck around and got on with living her life.

She spelled her name lowercase, so as to be more humble.

She collected people, cared for many. There was no one danelé would give up on. She was a crazy mix of wonder and fears. She was funny and infuriating and complex. I have regrets around my relationship with her, but i remember her explosive laugh and i’ll always owe her for the the years i was part of her family and for the years i got to help raise her son Ayden.

danelé believed in God. I hope she found everything she was sure came next.

She passed peacefully at home surrounded by family and friends. I hear that Ayden was supported by a group of friends who rarely left him. I’m glad. I hear she filled these years with celebration, connection, service and love that paralleled the suffering. I’m glad.

I’m not sure if i miss her yet. We weren’t talking and … well, I feel sad and a little empty and a little numb. It feels weird to write about her. I feel embarrassed, like i shouldn’t be talking about myself or how i feel. She went through five years of cancer, not me. She died. I’m still here.

Still, what else can i do?

I wrote her a tune. I don’t know if it says anything, but it made me feel better.

Actually it makes me smile thinking that she wouldn’t have liked it. I should have written a folk song. Anyway, here’s the track i wrote today ” For danelé. ”

danelé Joy Cousins
March 23, 1971 – October 22, 2009

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5 Responses

  1. Grá Linnaea says:

    Thanks *hugs*

      

  2. Grá Linnaea says:

    Thanks, Marshall. See you soon.

      

  3. Grá Linnaea says:

    Thanks, Kat. *hugs*

      

  4. Grá Linnaea says:

    Thanks, Dave. (I like that, btw.)

      

  5. brooke r. says:

    hi gra – i'm sorry to hear about your loss. the mixed feelings you express, as you know, are totally normal.. no matter that you weren't talking to her when she died, you still shared intimacy with her for a period in her life.. and not just her but ayden as well and that's complicated. but you know all this. you also know just to take it in and let yourself feel what you are going to feel about her death. if ayden ever sees this blog entry hopefully he'll be comforted in the fact that you cared enough about his mother to write that she died and that you cared that he was being taken care of. that says a lot about you. i'll shut up now.

    anyhow – it's been fun to watch your writing career really take off from a far. i'm glad it is and that you are enjoying it. now i must get back to my own writing. 🙂

      

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