Tour Journal – 2005 – Vol. 2 – Issue. 5 – Special Compare/Contrast Issue!

5341 miles traveled

The extra special compare/contrast issue!

In this issue I will induce great comedy by unfairly comparing disparate events at different shows, pretending that they are equal for comedic effect. The format for this journal will go as follows:

_Category of event being compared:_

Two or more things being compared: With funny text explaining why they are different.

The journal will continue in this format till I get bored with it.

So, to compare:


_First ten minutes in new town:_

Reno F-ing Nevada: J and I walk through the smoke, garish colors, and flashing lights of the casino that is the lobby of our Reno hotel, J promptly bursts into tears. [J note: You think He’s exaggerating. He’s not.]

Laramie, Wyoming: We walk across the hotel parking lot to stand in a field and feed baby carrots to some friendly horses. [J note: You think He’s flat-out lying. He’s not. They were sweet horses, almost took our hands off in enthusiasm.]


_Mexican Fast Food:_

Taco Bell:
Pros: Cheap vegetarian food and uh, other cheap food.
Cons: By buying taco bell we are contributing to a giant evil multinational corporation, and are therefore personally responsible for the destruction of the ozone layer and the rainforest.

Taco Johns:
Pros: Much smaller evil corporation.
Cons: Actually listed in the dictionary as the definition for ghetto food. Offers a burrito that contains not only Tater-Tots™, but also Velveeta™. Charged us extra to get a burrito that didn’t have meat in it.

Taco Time:
Pros: Multiple salsa offerings, groovy vegetarian burritos that contain sunflower seeds. Is technically a local business since they’re headquarters are in Eugene.
Cons: We can’t find one on this entire goddamn tour.


_Driving from show to show:_

Wyoming: We pass a dignified elk feeding by the side of the road. We see small groups of cows and horses cavorting the plateaued countryside. Landscape vaguely resembles heaven, but arid, and with fewer clouds.

Texas: We pass a hundred thousand cows packed tightly together. We see American flags on every possible surface. Landscape vaguely resembles the desolate barren wasteland that Mad Max wanders in.

Florida: We pass a hundred thousand strip malls linked together by anti abortion billboards. Landscape vaguely resembles the wetlands, if you bulldozed every living thing and replaced it with animatronic cartoon characters.


_What we do after the shows:_

Other bands: Run to the bar and drink enough alcohol to kill a baby elephant. Get to bed sometime before tomorrow’s show.

Us: Run to the nearest Thai restaurant. Head back to the hotel for a night of writing, knitting, and abstract philosophy. Get to bed sometime before dusk.


_Reasons to never ever tour again:_

Florida: Chased out of state by hurricanes. Heat index slightly less than the surface of the sun. People generally mean. George Bush’s brother, Jeb, governor. [J note: Which meant that every time we walked into an elevator, we had to stare at a placard with his g-d d-mn name on it.]

Texas: Everything smells like cow poop. Guns everywhere. Home state to Bush family.

Northwest: Realization that touring has all the travel elements of an extended vacation, without any of the fun. Overwhelming evidence that doing tour is very similar to a low budget sea cruise through hell.

Next time: uh…

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