What’s going on

Posted by ON in Dear Diary


J and I have known for awhile but it took us a long time to tell our friends, even longer to tell our families. But at this point I think most people know we’re splitting up.

For a divorce, it’s going fantastically well. We don’t feel bitter or angry. We still love each other. We still like each other. I don’t think either of us did anything wrong. My friend Neil blogged (near the bottom) that he and his ex-wife work much better as friends and neighbors than as a married couple. I think something like that is true for us too. There’s so much we love and appreciate about each other, but there’s a whole subset of our relationship that isn’t making us happy. More importantly, we’ve been worried that we’re growing less when we’re together than when we’re apart. It’s more complicated than that, but that’s the basics.

And that’s sort of the crux of it. We’ve been married almost four years. The core of our vows was to support each other to grow, even if it meant not being together. So, it’s been good, and sad, and confusing … and in the end we’re just doing the best we can and trying our best to be good to each other.

In three days we’re doing a divorce ceremony. Part of that will be affirming that we’re not completely leaving each others’ lives and that neither of us can predict the future. After the ceremony is done we’re going to have a potluck and wake.

We’re been doing pretty well slogging through packing up and splitting our stuff, figuring out money and making sure both of us will be okay after I go. We’ve decided not to talk for six months while we get used to life as whatever we are after we’re not married.

In less than a month i’m off to Europe to find adventure (and do a bunch of writing). I’m scared, and sad, and excited and numb all at once. I really appreciate all the support my friends have given me …

… and if you’re reading this and you want to reach out to one or both of us, we would love that.

So that’s it. Hope this clears up all the vague European references.

Love to you all,

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10 Responses

  1. Sän says:

    My condolences, and also my congratulations. It's good when people can recognize how to improve their lives, without letting their past expectations negatively impact their future potential. Best of luck to both of you–it sounds like you're doing this right.


  2. Krista says:

    Sending strength and love and hope to both of you–and wishing you all the best in your European adventure!


  3. Tiffani says:

    I'm sorry to hear about this. As you know, I'm in the middle of my own divorce, but I'm so inspired to hear how you two are going about it. It's the *hardest* thing in the world, to carry on with what is best for you (for you both), in the face of all of the pain (to yourself and your SO) and the reactions from friends and family. But you give me hope that, perhaps, it can be done with grace. And good luck in Europe. I might be over there myself in the autumn, so if you're still kicking around, let me know and we can toast our new lives!


  4. Dana says:

    *many hugs and much long distance love* Best of luck to you, Grá. And to J as well– she seems so lovely.


  5. Ming says:

    *hugs* to both you and J


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